I cant decide if my life is embarrassingly sad or insanely awesome!

I didn't ever plan to make this blog quite as personal as I have recently but to be honest these are the types of blogs I like to read and also right now the things that are on my mind are kind of personal... so WHATEVER.

Tonight I went to the Library to get my new book ( Landline by Rainbow Rowell *SQUEE*) and then decided since I wasn't quite ready to go home that I would have something to eat before going for a bus. I probably chose a really dumb place to eat because it's dark and lovely and not a place to be on a Friday night by yourself. Within two sips of my overly sweet muscato I was starting to get really pissy with my life. I mean it's pretty cool to be able to read in lovely surrounds while eating beautiful crepes BUT on a Friday night after a week of work I'd really like to not be taking myself out on a romantic date. I'd really like to have someone to unwind with and to enjoy it with me! I thought that a boyfriend would be good for that sort of thing but of course I end up with one who lives in a different world that runs on different norms. It just all feels really unfair sometimes. 

Now I'm being a brat I know and obviously I am in no way comparing my situation to people with actual problems but it's so frustrating and a little depressing. 

I tend to go on a bit of a roller-coaster with my thoughts on being in a relationship with someone who has a ridiculous job they adore. On one hand, I have a great man who's amazing to be around and is nothing but awesome to me and who has a work ethic that I am actually really proud of BUT on the other I essentially have the life of a single person without actually having the right to act like one.  It's not that I have any desire to act like a single person and get on that dating wheel again, not even a little bit, but I get all the bad things about being single without the fun of dating! NO FAIR

HUMPH! I know logically that it's about accepting all parts of the person and loving them for who they are and what they bring to your life. I know that the universe is 'not a wish granting factory' and as such it's important to be able to be flexible with what you're wanting and dreaming of. To be able to reconcile what you want with what you get. I know that if I'm going to get off this roller-coaster I need to accept what I have in this adorable man and adjust my expectations. After all, who knows what the future holds. I am probably missing parts of the puzzle and maybe in time a picture will reveal itself that surpasses all of my dreams and is more than what I could hope for right now.  

ARGH

Ok whiny baby time is over!

Going home to read more of this cool book and clean my house so I can go to the film festival guilt free tomorrow ;-)

This is not what I sat down here to write!

At the start of the week I heard about a cool thing that was happening tonight and I asked my boyfriend if he was free to come with me. when he said he was working I kind of lost it a little bit. Several minutes of swearing and being REALLY mad ensued. It's not his fault he happened to be working on the one random night I wanted to do something but I felt so disappointed and all sorts of " what's the point of having a bf if he's never around??". It was unfair and just a tad crazy.

SO...I decided that I'm an independent grown woman and there is nothing stopping me doing cool things alone. For some reason it didn't occur to me to ask if one of my friends wanted to come. I guess I was just wanting to spend this time with him. I called it my Beyonce moment!! hahaha.  As it turns out I got half way to said cool thing and decided I couldn't be bothered so got a Japanese curry and am just waiting for my bus as I type. 

Before the bf and I became serious I used to do everything by myself. I had zero qualms about doing any and everything that I wanted to do on my own terms and that's how I went into the relationship. It's kind of hilarious how much 6 months can change a person. I didn't want him to take up too much of my time or to be too intense about things. I kind of wanted a friend with benefits which is so hard to believe now. I've done an almost, but not quite 360 on the issue. Now I think of him before I make any plan and I want him around as much as I can get him... which sadly isn't very much. It's so hard to accept but I'm getting there. I don't know what the future holds but I do know that for now and in this moment I am actually in love. SO WEIRD.

 

I completely embarrassed myself tonight by going against all of my principles and long held ideas and going into a jewelry shop to try on a diamond... by myself. 

I guess I am a total girl at the end of the day. 

xo

D is for... David Beckham

I just re-posted this picture on my face book page from one of my fave Kiwis Polly Gillespie. She was asking incidentally if he's better with or with out the art and I absolutely have to say WITH. It's so weird but the dude I've been dating a little didn't seem to like the picture... 

BWA-HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

:-p

XO

life is hard for control freaks sometimes

It's a little hard to put what I want to write about into words for this post. In the last week..as late as this afternoon I've had experiences that have made me so happy and heard news that made me so sad. I wont go into it as both things are very personal but they've both made me realise how little control we have over the outcome of our lives. There are just so many unknowables and there is just no answer to that pit of confusion and worry in your stomach. Things just have to happen as they happen.

It's really hard to be ok with things happening on their own schedule. In both of my scenarios I just want to jump to the end so I can KNOW!!!! ARGH it's so frustrating. When you're dealing with other humans there is no such thing as control. You just have to find a distraction and find a way to deal. 

I wonder how to stop thinking about it and how to make the wait less excruciating? Grrr

:/

The words count people!

Today one of my lovely patients told me that after 63 years of marriage  his wife had told him she loved him for the first time that morning!!! WOW. Now I don't know exactly how true that might be but it was either the best or worst thing today I just cant decide. 

I find that so peculiar. You could argue that she showed him every day for 63 years that she loved him by being his wife and all that the title entails but I think the words count. The look on that gentleman's face as he told his story prove that words matter. I have a personal philosophy of always saying what I think about someone... well the good stuff at least. I know it's pretty rare and people sometimes get a little weird about it but if I think something nice about you I'm going to tell you! 

Generally we need to get better at taking compliments. It's nothing for us to believe bad things that we hear about ourselves but when it comes to compliments and nice things we get uncomfortable and disregard the words. We think the person telling us something nice is just trying to be nice or to make us feel good or something. Well... DUH! Yes, of course but that doesn't mean they're lying or making things up. 

For Mr's birthday last week I decided to do a birthday week. I sent him 7 small gifts and 7 nice notes over 7 days. On each of those notes I wrote something about him that I like. Something great about his personality ( and person LOL) that makes me happy and which I want him to know. I put it right out there and gave very specific examples of the sorts of things he is and things he does that make him awesome. He's decided to wait and open all 7 packages when I see him next and I'm a bit worried that it's going to be a pretty intense couple of minutes. I almost decided not to go and to make him open them alone but then I realised that each of those 7 things is something true. Even when he's being annoying or when the small things seem big he IS all of those big and important things. I want him to know what I think about him, especially on his birthday so I guess if it's face to face then so be it :) 

I don't tend to go around giving people those sorts of compliments to people because that WOULD be weird but I'm never backwards in coming forwards and I've found that the more I do it the easier it becomes. I tell everybody nice things and you know what? they like it! If you just think something it's meaningless and nobody benefits soooooo spill it. Say what's on your mind but just don't make a big deal about it coz that CAN be a little creepy hahahahahaha

xo

  

A few of my faves from the weekend :)

I stole Mr's shirt! It's so soft and cozy and it's great to sleep in AND wear with jean shorts to hang out. Score :)

We moved the cut down thingy (LOL) and had ourselves a lil fire. Then we started playing with the lasers. So fun.. and pretty as well. 

My view on a great morning from the current place I'm working. It really makes it easy to get up early to start at 7.30am. I love how beautiful my city looks from here.

This blury pic is of a cruise ship leaving Auckland. I was hanging out at the beach with my friend and just loving how beautiful the night was and how nice to be out and about making the most of the end of summer :)

Cupid's a Bitch and it turns out so am I

Here's a random assortment of snaps I took this afternoon for my #100happydays project. It's been a crappy day and to be honest not much was making me happy but good old Queen Wharf is always good for a bit of down town cool :)

Of course today is February 14... AKA the day people who aren't in a relationship or the subject of unrequited love tend to want to drink.. a lot. I've never really thought about Valentines day very much. It's kind of a dumb idea but then I started seeing SO.MANY.PEOPLE celebrating it. The amount of red roses roaming around Auckland this afternoon! SERIOUSLY!!! OMG. The patients were wishing me a Happy Valentines with sparkles in their eyes and I just wanted to go 'pft What EVER' at them. Even on Face book I had to see my friends having my fave John Legend song dedicated to them.... GRRRR

HAHAHAHAHA Seriously I was noticing love everywhere and it was depressing. Of course the thing is that I'm actually very happy for people. I think its so sweet and really great that people are happily in love and enjoying celebrating that fact because it's worth celebrating. It's special and fabulous and more power to em and long may it last but please... cut it out with the John Legend and roses in public! BAH HUMBUG ;-)

xo

Fancy-schmancy shopping!

Today, for the first time in my life I made a purchase at Smith + Caughey's on Queen street. It's the kind of store that really makes you wish hard you were made of money. I was salivating my way through the beauty department let me tell you.

This is my new boyfriend and my bit on the side. Sorry Mr-Mr I have found L.O.V.E in the schmancy tea isle. There is a serious addiction forming here! This stuff is divine and I want to go back and try the choco-coconut flavour and pumpkin spice. Just have to get rich LOL

I do have to say that the mannequins below really put me off. How creepy are they! OMGawsh and they're kind of offensive. Why on earth would you display clothing presumably for human women on mannequins shaped like aliens? I will never understand high fashion if that's what this could be described as.

xo

more 1am ravings - on walking the talk

I took this selfie as part of a message to Mr.MR this morning. It turned out so of course I instagramed the crap out of it and it's now my profile pic on everything!! Apart from those "totally normal and not annoying" impulses I had another instinct that I didn't actually follow through on. I had the thought that I should send it to somebody that I used to know so he can see how good I look! LOLOLOLOL! 

WHY THE EF??? That guy is not worth a tenth of MR.MR so what do I care what he thinks? How freaking dumb. When I slowed my roll for a second it really made me realise how easy it can be to ef up your life and loose important things if you don't value what you have. Not that I exactly have Mr.Mr and of course he's not a thing and I most certainly value him but the premise remains the same. I talk about how lucky I am and how grateful but I should probably walk that talk a little more. So I didn't follow through on that bizarre idea and sent some extra "I'm so excited to have you with me in this city" vibes to Mr.Mr :) 

-one of these days I will hopefully wake up and grow up and start thinking right! until then though I still love this picture and I don't even care that the selfie revolution is turning me into an annoying vain idiot! hahahahaha For every shot I like there are 50 I hate and a bunch of days I feel so crap I wouldn't think to take a picture so you know what? When I'm feelin it and liking what I see Im going to celebrate that coz it's a good thing. It's just lucky for everybody connected to me via the internet that they get to celebrate alongside me! woohooo yay you guys hahahahahha :P

xo

A bird in the hand is really really worth two in the bush...

So once again it's 1am and I am not asleep. Instead I am listening to John Mayer and ... well really I'm just wishing I were asleep! LOL. I wish it were easy to just switch off your brain. I cant stop thinking! 

Yesterday ... or the day before I kind of loose track but in the last day or two I applied for a role doing what I used to do before I decided to go be a Teacher. Of course the very thought of it sent me into an existential tailspin. I'm just that person who for every choice or every decision I can automatically see so many outcomes for every option. So many What IFs. I know I piss everybody off because sometimes these things are things that I need to put on my big girl pants and just freaking DO. I like to discuss and work out my thoughts with my friends and family when really there is no way to actually answer the what if because the thing has to happen first.

When I did this role in the past I had a really hard time with it and didn't love going to work so I'm guessing it will be a surprise for the manager that I'm trying again. Apart from the obvious one ( I NEED A JOb) I chose to apply for the job for a couple of different reasons. I really like the idea of a 9-5 where you can leave it all on the desk when you go home. I have always said that I want to work to live and not live to work.  I've realised in the last few weeks of working as a temp that I love being a part of the hospital machine and, sad as it might sound I enjoy customer service. This role is one that appeals to my ever growing ocd streak... I like tidy and organised!

Perhaps the biggest thing that I've come to realise recently and truly appreciate at every level is that a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. When you have something good it's so much more valuable than the great perhaps. If you don't have any version of what you want, or a bad version of it then wander into that perhaps but if you have something good that works and provides all you need then cherish it!

This job does nothing to look after the parts of me that I have to satisfy to be happy. It's not creative, it doesn't change that much, there's not a ton of contact with people directly, it provides no outlet for expressing myself or learning things that make my heart happy. 

While it doesn't do those things what it does provide me is a way to contribute to something important and the facility to get all of those things outside of work hours. It will allow me to do something meaningful while working to live and not living to work like a Teacher does. That's pretty cool I'd say.  I left to follow a convoluted dream that I had my facts wrong about anyway and when that dream was in my grasp I realised that I wasn't in love with the idea anymore. I gave up my bird in the hand for the possibility of the two in the bush and found out that not only were they common sparrows but that I hate birds! 

So. Lets see. I know that if I'm lucky enough to have an interview I will need to be very eloquent if I am to persuade them to employ me again but I want to try :)

xo 

Mr....

These pictures are all from my pinterest account and they all make me think of someone who has become very special.

http://www.pinterest.com/pin/224687468882810197/

http://www.pinterest.com/pin/224687468882140107/

http://www.pinterest.com/pin/224687468881877620/

http://www.pinterest.com/pin/224687468882668159/

http://www.pinterest.com/pin/224687468883063207/

http://www.pinterest.com/pin/224687468883024031



He is someone that I've only met in person a couple of times and yet he occupies a LOT of mental real-estate. This man is quirky and cute. He is passionate and protective. He loves his family and doesn't take any bull. He's so cool and yet he doesn't know it. He's my polar opposite in many ways and yet I have never met anybody that I want to spend time with more. He constantly makes me smile and laugh and wish that I could wake up next to him. This is a man that I could absolutely have introduced to my grandfather which about says it all. The pictures say fun and comfort and beauty to me and that's what THIS man represents.

I am such a girl though, spending all this time imagining him as mine! LOL I haven't come across many people who are so adamantly their own person. I have no idea what the future will hold. I don't know if we will ever live in the same city or if it will even be the same if we do. I know I can be pretty annoying sometimes... and we really are quite different. 
I guess that time will tell and I'm still winning even if we only ever stay friends. It's so much fun to dream though, to really imagine he and I as a couple. I think it would be so much fun to hang out with him all the time! 
Just in the way you can't really plan an epic night out I believe that things like this just happen if the time is right. I'm putting it out there into the ether BUT I'm just going to go with the flow. It goes against my nature not to at least have a little bit of detail about the close future but this will happen if it's supposed to...
It's quite exciting :)

xo

Three weeks! I can do it

I am NOT loving this month. I'm finding it really hard to focus on all of the things that are so lucky and so amazing in my life right now for the reality of the things that I don't love. There are a bunch of things right now that I'm really not enjoying and they're taking O-VAH my brain. LOL. I'm feeling like the future is a big black hole of 'this' which it absolutely isn't. I'm over thinking and being a worst case scenario person and honestly just a brat so I thought I would follow the lead of one of my fave blogs and do a 'Happy List. So here's a bunch of stuff that is in my life right now that makes me happy and some things that I'm super grateful for..

Sunshine and lots of it

My very generous and supportive mother

My beautiful nephew

Fab new maxi skirt that I cant wait to wear

It's Breaker nation time again (even if it's been a tough start with the new team this season. I don't care they rock!)

Jason Derulo on the radio 

Heart of Dixie on Television

14 more days of practicum

Remedy Coffee on Wellesly street

Auckland Libraries

The city campus of Auckland Uni

Friends who are drama free

My minke blanket

Nutrigrain for breakfast on the bus

Sunrise

Long days

Paramore on the radio

Bloglovin

Planning a Christmas in the snow for 2014

Living in the most beautiful little suburb by the beach

My head cold is starting to fade

'LALALA' by naughty boy on the radio

YouTube vids

I'm sure that there are more things ... there must be right? however I have a bit of work to finish. I was supposed to get all the planning done for the week by yesterday so I could have a whole day off on this long day but it just didn't happen. I'm just so damn tired! ... also I had a weekend I guess so it's not too bad :)

When there's nothing to read...

I was wandering around the Library this afternoon and I was just in the type of mood when NOTHING was taking my fancy. I hate those days when you walk in and there is NOTHING to read in the whole Library :P

I guess I was feeling like I wanted to read a book that I could relate to. 'I' am not in any books because my life is so average and normal. I don't have great struggle or great luxury. I don't have great happiness or unhappiness I'm just there in the middle. Probably not the stuff that a blockbuster is made of. Aaaaand yet I'd really like to find myself in the pages of one of the books I read. A character that I can actually really relate to.

Perhaps I need to write my own novel. A story about a mid-30s single gal in the city. She's working towards a career after years of floating along. Not much really happens but she has her stuff. The frustrations with the boy she's always wanted (but will never have). The budget struggles the odd nights out. The friends and the people who will never be. The books and movies and art exhibitions. The photography and coffee addiction. The over involved family and the lack of ownership over her own life after a year of living like a teenager for the sake of university. The dreams and hopes....

Yeah maybe not! hahahahaha Perhaps next year when I'm gainfully employed and stressing over my job instead of university. When I have a different living situation and the ability to completely participate in my life I will be able to find myself in the pages or maybe find the time to put myself in some pages :)

Bring on 2014 !!!

x

An interesting day!!!

Here I am this afternoon on my walk, totally styled by mother nature! (..and some box vodka it must be said). This weather we're having is awesome, jasmine on the air & sunshine on my shoulders, but it's also a little scary. The wind is just intense. I am surrounded by giant trees and I keep waiting for them to come through my bedroom ceiling! Though I think I have already established what a big baby I am :)

So, to the ranty part of this post...this morning I woke up to a text message that I didn't quite know what to do with featuring a dudes junk. As a single girl in the city I've received many such text messages and usually have no problem knowing what to do with them. When this happens I usually show everybody I can get to look at it, laugh my head off, delete it and forget about it. They usually come from people who I've not even met. The difference is that this 'art' comes courtesy of someone I do know. This 'junk' is not news to me. I mean.. how to be delicate ?? been there done that so why the pic?? It's so unlike this person. He doesn't need to do that and he's never done it before. I'm gonna go with a ton of alcohol being the culprit but it still annoys me. 

Message to all men out there... Put it away. Do not photograph it. Anybody who wants to see it will let you know, they don't want to be taken by surprise when they open their text messages in the morning. Keep it classy people. Please.

x

Can you be religious if you don't believe in God???

It's the funniest thing lately. I've started to think a lot about faith and religion. I came across a person recently who had the type of personality that I want to have when I grow up! LOL She's finished. She is totally secure in who she is, she's just so comfortable in her life and seems to be so happy with it without ever thinking that it's perfect. She's comfortable in her skin and really wants to simply live her life to the limit, experiencing everything.

Sounds great right? I think so and the thing that gets me is that almost every person that I've met who has a similar sort of existence is a person of faith. I want that but I have that small problem... I just cant believe in a higher power. I semi regularly attend services, I appreciate religion and the things that come with faith and I really believe that I model the values of most religions every day. So does it matter that I don't have the final piece of that puzzle?

I have applied for a position in a Catholic school and have become even more curious about this ever since. Once my uni work is done I will probably start to investigate some sort of religious education simply because I cant get it out of my mind. I joke that I'm a prime candidate for conversion except for that one little issue... :P

I guess time will tell but this is a pretty massive idea and the fact that I don't know anybody who is a person of faith will make it quite the journey but I really think the time has come....

x

just some stuff

It's been a quiet kinda Saturday. I put the sexy raincoat (LOL) on and went for a walk this morning. I think that half marathon I've signed up for in November will be a breeze if they have a coffee stop every 2k or so like they do around here :)  It's quite interesting. I was talking to the girl at Starbucks about the awesome Salted Caramel mocha's which are now in season. YUM first of all and YEP still very intolerant of dairy and mocha's secondly ... anyhow she was saying that we're affiliated with Starbucks Singapore instead of Starbucks North America thus no Pumpkin Lattes for us :( ... Oh my first world problems!!! hahahahaha

I've spent the afternoon trying to get into 'Gone Girl'. My flat-mate is away and she gave me orders to read it before she gets back so we can talk about the ending but I'm having issues even getting to half way! I don't even think it's the book. It's more that I have the attention span of a goldfish these days hahahaha :P  Speaking of my flat-mate she's supposed to be back from Hawaii today but I don't have any clue when to expect her. I don't even know if she was getting in today or leaving Hawaii today and thus early morning arrival here tomorrow. It's just weird waiting when you don't know if someones turning up or not. Also I'm paranoid about having the house perfect and so stepping VERY lightly. It's as bad as when my mum comes to visit!!!

And now it's all about reality television goodness! My fave Ice Road Truckers then The real Housewives of Orange County and ending the trifecta with Vanderpump Rules!! YAY!! Except for I.R.T such trash and not such a bad way to spend a Saturday night. Of course I can think of one or two other ways that I would rather spend the night but what are  you going to do. LOL  

x

New Purchases :)

It's kinda weird to post pics of underwear but a bunch of new bras makes such a pretty picture! :)

<3 The Warehouse (yep seriously) for all my underwear needs! 

x

Day 3

Today is day 3 of my man flu. Luckily I am improving but gees it's impossible to do anything of a vertical nature for more than a few minutes without becoming so exhausted that I can hardly keep my eyes open. Off course I am also unable to sleep when I do put my head down so.. BRAIN MELT!!

It's amazing weather for staying in bed and cuddling up with some tea and a book so that's what I'm about to do even though my brain wants to sleep... like seriously I am having such trouble focusing and thinking and stuff. OMG I am so sick of this!! GRRR

Anyhow, I have my green tea, I have the best blanket ever, I have some mallowpuffs for good measure and am going to dive back into 'Clockwork Angel'. I'm about a quarter of the way in and so far I love it. Hopefully I wont have to re-read everything I read this afternoon. 

And then 'Heart of Dixie' is on this evening so ... sweet! 

x

It's raining it's pouring...

It's been a little while since I've written a post actually about anything. My problem is that .. actually there is so much to write about! I've been reading and trying new things and enjoying what the lovely Auckland has to offer and at the same time going to university, doing assignments and being present with the kids in the school I'm doing my practicum in.  

I went to the film festival and saw some great documentaries in some of my favorite cinemas in the city. I cant help but take a ton of pictures when I'm in the Civic. It's just so beautiful :) The festival was really cool and I'm already looking forward to next year!

I've been spending so much time in the Library and feeling really inspired by books. After my aunts funeral my uncle sent me a book voucher to say thanks for giving a eulogy. While that in itself was all sorts of awkward I do love having a book voucher to spend. It's almost a responsibility LOL. I never waste a book voucher. It requires research and consideration and I will definitely make sure I get the right book with it. Actually this lead to a cool little encounter. I was chatting with the sales assistant in the shop on one of my intel gathering trips and she said to me ".. can I just ask.. are you a nerdfighter??" LOVE IT :) she was the first person I've ever met who knew what that meant. AWESOME 

I ended up working in a pub to get one of my assignments finished hahaha. I am so classy sometimes but seriously that place was super conducive to working and I only had one beer to keep my wedges company so no harm no foul ... right?

My friend and I tried out Ugly Bagels at the city works depot. Absolutely worth all the hype. Not great for sitting and enjoying but that's just because they're so busy and I guess they cant be blamed for that :)  The Karma Cola was such a novelty. I still have the bottle to use as a vase because I just love the design. Of course the cola was also nice.

I'd love to write about things like the New Zealand edition of Iheart radio, or meeting a boy on the perfect end of the spectrum who is just very sadly not ready to be with anybody :( - or how one guy actually called me scary last night!! SERIOUSLY hahahahahhaahahahaha  I could write about university and how I have major struggles with not going postal on most of the student body who will just NOT SHUT UP when in lectures... or the way that our current weather is freakin me out man!  or even how I am so tempted to vote for Dave in our local body elections. He is NOT the right person for the job but he's such a local personality and at least I see him every day and he knows how to spell some really hard words .. (hehehe) The problem is that none of these directions are really how this blog was intended to go. I will have to think a bit about it because I actually like writing about that sort of stuff.

This weekend I am doing awesome stuff!! Tomorrow night I'm going to my friends ukulele concert. I'm very excited about that. on Sunday I'm painting faces at the Story Lines festival. YAY meeeeee :) So hopefully I will be more in the mood to write about those experiences. 

Well happy weekend!

:)

I'm such a wimp

Today I was wandering around Twitter as you do and @Auckland_Libs tweeted about an event which is happening tomorrow. It's a panel discussion about censorship in NewZealand literature. It sounds A-MAY-ZING!!

The problem is that it's being held in a gallery in town which is pretty cutting edge by the looks of it and I am way to intimidated to go by myself! LOL. It's going to be dark and the people there will be all cool and intellectual and stuff. It's way to stressful. Seriously.

The blog from one of the key contributors can be found here "Tuesdays at method and manners"

I wish I could cowboy up for this one! hmm maybe I'll see how I feel after school finishes tomorrow. 

WWBD?? -Beyonce would suck it up and head into the gallery like she owned it of course....

:-/