Good bye Jonathan Crombie. Thank you for the memories.

I was so sad yesterday to hear of the death of Jonathan Crombie. It's ridiculous to be this sad about the death of someone that I've never met, almost a little disrespectful to his family who actually have a claim to mourn him. Still, Jonathan has a very special place in my heart and to be honest my life. 

Jonathan, your 'Gil' was the first love of my life and like many around the world the standard to which I have very unfairly held every non-fictional love. Thank you for Gilbert.  RIP

xo

I cant decide if my life is embarrassingly sad or insanely awesome!

I didn't ever plan to make this blog quite as personal as I have recently but to be honest these are the types of blogs I like to read and also right now the things that are on my mind are kind of personal... so WHATEVER.

Tonight I went to the Library to get my new book ( Landline by Rainbow Rowell *SQUEE*) and then decided since I wasn't quite ready to go home that I would have something to eat before going for a bus. I probably chose a really dumb place to eat because it's dark and lovely and not a place to be on a Friday night by yourself. Within two sips of my overly sweet muscato I was starting to get really pissy with my life. I mean it's pretty cool to be able to read in lovely surrounds while eating beautiful crepes BUT on a Friday night after a week of work I'd really like to not be taking myself out on a romantic date. I'd really like to have someone to unwind with and to enjoy it with me! I thought that a boyfriend would be good for that sort of thing but of course I end up with one who lives in a different world that runs on different norms. It just all feels really unfair sometimes. 

Now I'm being a brat I know and obviously I am in no way comparing my situation to people with actual problems but it's so frustrating and a little depressing. 

I tend to go on a bit of a roller-coaster with my thoughts on being in a relationship with someone who has a ridiculous job they adore. On one hand, I have a great man who's amazing to be around and is nothing but awesome to me and who has a work ethic that I am actually really proud of BUT on the other I essentially have the life of a single person without actually having the right to act like one.  It's not that I have any desire to act like a single person and get on that dating wheel again, not even a little bit, but I get all the bad things about being single without the fun of dating! NO FAIR

HUMPH! I know logically that it's about accepting all parts of the person and loving them for who they are and what they bring to your life. I know that the universe is 'not a wish granting factory' and as such it's important to be able to be flexible with what you're wanting and dreaming of. To be able to reconcile what you want with what you get. I know that if I'm going to get off this roller-coaster I need to accept what I have in this adorable man and adjust my expectations. After all, who knows what the future holds. I am probably missing parts of the puzzle and maybe in time a picture will reveal itself that surpasses all of my dreams and is more than what I could hope for right now.  

ARGH

Ok whiny baby time is over!

Going home to read more of this cool book and clean my house so I can go to the film festival guilt free tomorrow ;-)

My brain hurts! .. but I have some new jams :)

I saw this documentary at the New Zealand International Film Fest this afternoon. It made me so sad I nearly cried. It's just such a travesty what the Italian Government has allowed to happen. The scene depicted in the picture above was so disgusting. There is giant cruise ship after giant cruise ship pulling up aside the seemingly teeny buildings and creating such havoc in the water that their vibrations are literally causing the city to crumble. It's sick and all of the problems are caused by greed. So much has been sacrificed in the name of money. It really opened my eyes to the effects of unregulated tourism and how I will try to engage with the places I am lucky enough to visit if I am ever lucky enough to. I can tell you right now it will not be on a cruise ship and it will not be in a group of 30 people. 

After the movie I was walking down to my bus and came across this particularly valid protest... I think. They're protesting against a new bill which will allow the NZ spy agency (LOL) unprecedented access to our digital lives. It really made me wish that I was more informed about what's going on. I am pretty angry about this issue BUT I wouldn't say that I actually know enough to form an articulate opinion. It made me feel dumb 

So with my mind whirrrrrring away I have come home to a blissfully empty house and made some of my special pumpkin soup to enjoy when Ice road truckers comes on in a little while. I also splurged on an itunes card and have created some pretty spesh DJ sets with some of these peeps ... so many new faves :-)

*sigh* :)

The saddest day

Today my lovely friend lost her mother to cancer. What a sad and horrible day!  I've never met my friend or her mother as I met her on Twitter and she lives in my old stomping grounds in Canada.

My heart still aches for her though. Her announcement got me to thinking about how we process things like this. Firstly how awesome that she can make the announcement once via Face book and the chances are that all of her friends will know and she wont need to keep saying "my mum died".

Below is what I wrote on her wall :

 I was just reading your post again & I really wanted to just say that I hope you do, as you say, honour her by celebrating all the time you did have and all of the amazing that she was. Those things never go away and in time I hope that you can keep honouring her by living up to the example she left for you. That's what Kia Kaha means - to stand strong, to have a strong heart ..... and I know you do Turnip  and for those times when you just don't or you just cant there are so many people both near and very far who can do it and be it for you. You got a lot a love lady

I have a quiet goal to one day become a celebrant. I would like the opportunity to make

 times like this less painful in some way for the people left behind. The above encapsulates my take on the situation. That we need to accept the loss and honor the person who has gone on without us. That the best way to carry on is to live well and in a way that our loved one would be proud of. There's a song on the radio right now by The Script called "if you could see me now".  The line that gets me every time is "Would you stand in disgrace or take a bow if you could see me now?" - for me I tend to think about my Grandfather and it really does determine how I make choices and I hope that my sweet friend will also be able to feel her mum around her and live her life to the fullest so that her mother is up there taking a bow for the wonderful woman she left behind. 

I guess there's not actually a correct philosophy or a right way to grieve or live when you loose one of the most important people to you. We all process differently but the idea that we should make our loved ones life mean something in the grand design by using the influence they had upon us to live well and make our own mark on the world is the most positive that I can think of.