Musings from the shower...

I'm off to spend the weekend with the BF tomorrow YAY :) 

I was just in the shower doing all of the things so that I look as good as possible for him and thinking about how I want to cook him my favorite tomato pasta for dinner and I got so embarrassed! I started thinking how silly I was being and how it's insane that I'm getting excited to cook for him because I'm a terrible cook!  He cooks and I do a mean set of dishes hahahaha

AND THEN I gave myself a mental slap and realised that this doesn't mean I'm turning into a 1950's housewife or that I'm not a modern woman at all or even that I'm acting like a 15 year old. It means that we have a good relationship I'd say. These days it's so frowned upon for someone to say that they're actually in love with their partner. To say that they want to look good for them and do things for no other reason than to make them happy. In our particular relationship these things have tended to fall within traditional gender roles which just adds an extra layer of weird.

I wish that it were socially acceptable to say these things out loud! I'm just so sick of all this weird feeling that it's only ok to speak about a man if it's negative or sexual. I'm done with it and just so I'm not a hypocrite here goes....

I'm a modern , educated woman who makes sure that she shaves her legs and cuts her toe nails before spending the night. I make a point of trying to enjoy some of what he enjoys and I always tell him how handsome he is. I love him and it's not cute or sweet it's just how it is. Giving those things to him does not diminish me in anyway because he lights up my life in completely random ways all the time. We work because we're always trying to impress each other and it's awesome!

... SO THERE! 

Hahahahahahah Rant officially done

xoxo

I cant decide if my life is embarrassingly sad or insanely awesome!

I didn't ever plan to make this blog quite as personal as I have recently but to be honest these are the types of blogs I like to read and also right now the things that are on my mind are kind of personal... so WHATEVER.

Tonight I went to the Library to get my new book ( Landline by Rainbow Rowell *SQUEE*) and then decided since I wasn't quite ready to go home that I would have something to eat before going for a bus. I probably chose a really dumb place to eat because it's dark and lovely and not a place to be on a Friday night by yourself. Within two sips of my overly sweet muscato I was starting to get really pissy with my life. I mean it's pretty cool to be able to read in lovely surrounds while eating beautiful crepes BUT on a Friday night after a week of work I'd really like to not be taking myself out on a romantic date. I'd really like to have someone to unwind with and to enjoy it with me! I thought that a boyfriend would be good for that sort of thing but of course I end up with one who lives in a different world that runs on different norms. It just all feels really unfair sometimes. 

Now I'm being a brat I know and obviously I am in no way comparing my situation to people with actual problems but it's so frustrating and a little depressing. 

I tend to go on a bit of a roller-coaster with my thoughts on being in a relationship with someone who has a ridiculous job they adore. On one hand, I have a great man who's amazing to be around and is nothing but awesome to me and who has a work ethic that I am actually really proud of BUT on the other I essentially have the life of a single person without actually having the right to act like one.  It's not that I have any desire to act like a single person and get on that dating wheel again, not even a little bit, but I get all the bad things about being single without the fun of dating! NO FAIR

HUMPH! I know logically that it's about accepting all parts of the person and loving them for who they are and what they bring to your life. I know that the universe is 'not a wish granting factory' and as such it's important to be able to be flexible with what you're wanting and dreaming of. To be able to reconcile what you want with what you get. I know that if I'm going to get off this roller-coaster I need to accept what I have in this adorable man and adjust my expectations. After all, who knows what the future holds. I am probably missing parts of the puzzle and maybe in time a picture will reveal itself that surpasses all of my dreams and is more than what I could hope for right now.  

ARGH

Ok whiny baby time is over!

Going home to read more of this cool book and clean my house so I can go to the film festival guilt free tomorrow ;-)

The GOOD with the BAD

***Long random sorta post ahead***

Things in my neck of the world have been a bit of a whirlwind over the last 6 weeks or so. It's so hard not to be all 'poor me' but there have been so many fantastic things that I have loved during this time that if I do dip my toe into the quick sand just thinking about them is enough to pull me out.

At the end of march my flatmate passed away. She didn't just pass away she had an accident here at home and I had to call the ambulance and it was a pretty nasty situation. I didn't think she would pass away that night but it was still so scary. Even now, all these weeks later it's still a little hard to actually fathom that she died. After a life of having these types of accidents and not dying ... she died. Hmmm. It's impossible to get my head around and it's so easy to say all the right things and of course the brain knows, logically that things couldn't have been different but generally speaking when things happen the heart is more powerful than the head. 

During the month I've had disappointment after disappointment on the job front and the resurgence of an injury that I just didn't think was ever going to be a problem again but which has meant that I've had to turn down work which always sucks. My finances are so stressful and past choices are making it hard right now. Of course it will all be better when I have an income!

So there's all of that and while I'm adjusting to looking for a new job and a new place to live I have had some major first world problems that have simply added together to make life so frustrating and kinda sorta like I'm constantly walking through gel ... or something. 

Today is the last day in my 100 happy days project. Looking back through the last month or so of pictures has really made me realise how incredibly lucky I am. If I were religiously inclined, which I'm not, I would say I were blessed. 

My friends and family have, on several situations helped me to have some amazing and fun times. Two nights after my flatmate went to hospital Mr left me speechless and just a wee bit in awe of him when he gave me a private tour of the civic and then a little later a crazy fun night in that had me wearing his clothes plus fairy wings and a crown and dancing around the house with his flatmate :)

I got to go to a hot air balloon show ( ?) which was really amazing. I've actually spent a ton of time with my sister and nephew in the last little while and I've really enjoyed it though having a 16 month old staying with me in my totally not child friendly house was freaking exhausting!. 

I finally had the graduation ceremony for my Graduate Diploma in Teaching. It was such a surprise to me but the day was super special and really enjoyable. I loved participating and I'm so glad that I went along. This ceremony was so much better than my graduation from my degree :)

My mom has been really supportive in lots of ways but she worked really hard to make it possible for me to have a dinner party for 8 of my friends. This is actually a bigger deal than it sounds and I had a fantastic time. The party was to celebrate my birthday and my graduation and my friend getting a job and also the fact that I thought I was going to be leaving this hood. 

Today I went for a long walk and I realised anew that this neighbour hood is spectacular and I am very lucky to live here. It's so great to live at the beach. Every day it's a little different and while it looks awesome it often also smells pretty great which is something that I love. 

So yeah. Things might be a little hard right now and while I'm prone to over thinking and being a drama queen I have an amazing life that is only going to get better. I am going to keep on keeping on and keep making plans and dreaming dreams because THATS how things get better. I will keep trying to reach my ideals and then when I do I will find new ones. I just need to take a breath and chill out sometimes.

Hashtag Fail

I have failed. This year the A -Z in April has just not worked out very well at all. I had good intentions but nothing has worked out very well. So much has happened this month, so many things I would like to write about that have taken my time and mental realestate. I havent kept up because the things I want to write about just dont fit the challenge.

So...there ya go. Good luck to you all who have done better than I have and I will hopefully get a few minutes to visit you sometime soon.

Xo

life is hard for control freaks sometimes

It's a little hard to put what I want to write about into words for this post. In the last week..as late as this afternoon I've had experiences that have made me so happy and heard news that made me so sad. I wont go into it as both things are very personal but they've both made me realise how little control we have over the outcome of our lives. There are just so many unknowables and there is just no answer to that pit of confusion and worry in your stomach. Things just have to happen as they happen.

It's really hard to be ok with things happening on their own schedule. In both of my scenarios I just want to jump to the end so I can KNOW!!!! ARGH it's so frustrating. When you're dealing with other humans there is no such thing as control. You just have to find a distraction and find a way to deal. 

I wonder how to stop thinking about it and how to make the wait less excruciating? Grrr

:/

If you dont look closely I totally look like a real grown up!

This is me at 6 am this morning LOL. In my fave dress that I wear when I want to look like a real grown up! Hahaha :) I look so tired in this pic it kind of makes me laugh but whatever!  

Today I pulled out my ninja smiles and continued to smile and chat with the masses like I was having the time of my life despite the fact that OMG I am tired and OMG I really didn't want to be there. It's kind of cool how working in the hospital brings out the best in you ... or me at least lol

I can't wait till the weekend so that I can catch up and start feeling human again. I hate it when I get this tired and stuff. I fall so far behind on life and start over thinking things that I should NOT be wasting energy on. Despite the things that I want to have happen in the next couple of weeks I actually have hardly any control over them so I just need to worry about me and go with the flow. Do my bit and get out of the way of what's gonna happen. No point being insecure or demoralised or angry. 

Que Serra Serra and all of that

xo

sometimes you have to be scared and decide to do it anyway.....

My friend Hue and I were talking about the future the other day, trying to decided what our ideal lives would be like. I came up with a life that included my own space that I don't need to own, so long as its mine. A puppy. A boy who I don't need to sign a piece of paper with but ... who I might sign that paper with (LOL), enough money to visit the islands or Australia every year and a small circle of awesome friends that I see often.  Nothing too bizarre right?

It sounds comfortable and happy to me. The thing is how do I get from here to there? The first thing is that I need to be employed! I am so sick of having no money and having to so carefully think about every single dollar! I've found an AMAZING job that pays very well that I'm going to apply for. I actually think that it's probably a little out of my league but it ties up everything I love in one shiny bow. I want that job but it brings me to scary thing number one that I don't want to do but am probably going to have to do....

DRIVING ARRRRGGGHHHHHH!!! My dream job is going to require me to learn to drive. I have less than zero desire to do it. I do NOT want to own a car or be responsible for driving one on the road. The thought petrifies me but perhaps it's time to cowboy up and do it. I'm almost breaking out in a cold sweat just thinking about it but ... I really would love that job! That job would be a huge step towards making my dream future happen and it feels ridiculous that something like driving will take it away from me ...  

Scary thing number two....?? well. I guess there are a bunch of things.. changes and adaptions. ARGH. I will possibly ... no .. probably be living a very different life by my birthday in 3 months. Almost everything will hopefully be changing. I'm so excited and absolutely ready for it but at the same time it goes against my nature to put myself out there, to take risks and really go after what I want. The thing that has made me ready to be scared and do it anyway is that I finally realised that what I want is pretty simple and it shouldn't really need to be a drama to get it. I just need to take some steps ...so I'm taking them :) 

... Edited LOL

Ef you A.T Transport

In Auckland we have ONE public transport provider. There is, for those of us with no car, ONE option to get where we want to go. This post will be a VERY negative ode to that one option. A.T Transport oh how I hate you.

Just to set the scene this #firstworlddrama (LOL) all revolves around how ridiculously hard it is to use the fare card that we have. The company that we have no choice but to use have policies and procedures and ... it has to be said people who are all set up to make EVERYTHING as hard and insulting and frustrating as possible.

On Tuesday last week I got on my bus at 6.18 am. Said 'Good morning' to the bus driver and he greeted me with "Where's your ID"? ... I was so confused and just said "excuse me?" ... and that's when it got ugly. I understand that technically he is entitled to ask for ID given that I am using a tertiary discount but I have used the card 4 times a day for up to 7 days a week for a year and never once been asked for ID. He said I came up as a child the day before but he waited to ask me about it till then. ...

Then later that delightful morning I was on my second bus but the tag machine on the bus wasn't working and I was unable to tag off which meant an automatic $5.00 penalty. Obviously this is not my fault so I tweeted about it and asked how I was to go about getting a refund. WELL.... apparently it takes 48-72 hours for the records to update so they can see IF there is an unwarranted charge. If there is they will then send the claim to their disputes department to be looked at and then I might get my money back...  It took about 4 phone calls to get that information and as I have mentioned 168 hours later I still have no refund.

To add to that the frustration hit boil over this morning. I managed to drop my hop card between bus one and bus two. I've recently put money on the card so I was really upset! SO two more calls and apparently the money is secure and the penalty has been noted but not sent on to the disputes department. 

THEN this afternoon I went to replace the card as.. you know.. I wanted to get home and then I get informed that I cant use the balance for 24hours. At the transit centre there are a number of offices. The HOP "customer service" centre wont sell hop cards or put money on them. Apparently , despite the presence of eftpos terminals and posters regarding payment "they are not a retailer"...  ASSHOLES. So I stood in several lines and spent more money and ARGH I JUST WANT TO PUNCH SOMETHING.

apparently if you're AT Transport and you're the only player in the game you don't have to provide anyway for your customers to let you know about your huge gaping failures. So I cant use my hop card till tomorrow morning well after I will arrive at my destination. I cant have my tertiary discount till probably Monday and I've been charged a fee because their machines don't work. There's only one thing to say really isn't there...

FUCK YOU AND YOUR FUCKING HOP CARD AT TRANSPORT