So once again it's 1am and I am not asleep. Instead I am listening to John Mayer and ... well really I'm just wishing I were asleep! LOL. I wish it were easy to just switch off your brain. I cant stop thinking!
Yesterday ... or the day before I kind of loose track but in the last day or two I applied for a role doing what I used to do before I decided to go be a Teacher. Of course the very thought of it sent me into an existential tailspin. I'm just that person who for every choice or every decision I can automatically see so many outcomes for every option. So many What IFs. I know I piss everybody off because sometimes these things are things that I need to put on my big girl pants and just freaking DO. I like to discuss and work out my thoughts with my friends and family when really there is no way to actually answer the what if because the thing has to happen first.
When I did this role in the past I had a really hard time with it and didn't love going to work so I'm guessing it will be a surprise for the manager that I'm trying again. Apart from the obvious one ( I NEED A JOb) I chose to apply for the job for a couple of different reasons. I really like the idea of a 9-5 where you can leave it all on the desk when you go home. I have always said that I want to work to live and not live to work. I've realised in the last few weeks of working as a temp that I love being a part of the hospital machine and, sad as it might sound I enjoy customer service. This role is one that appeals to my ever growing ocd streak... I like tidy and organised!
Perhaps the biggest thing that I've come to realise recently and truly appreciate at every level is that a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. When you have something good it's so much more valuable than the great perhaps. If you don't have any version of what you want, or a bad version of it then wander into that perhaps but if you have something good that works and provides all you need then cherish it!
This job does nothing to look after the parts of me that I have to satisfy to be happy. It's not creative, it doesn't change that much, there's not a ton of contact with people directly, it provides no outlet for expressing myself or learning things that make my heart happy.
While it doesn't do those things what it does provide me is a way to contribute to something important and the facility to get all of those things outside of work hours. It will allow me to do something meaningful while working to live and not living to work like a Teacher does. That's pretty cool I'd say. I left to follow a convoluted dream that I had my facts wrong about anyway and when that dream was in my grasp I realised that I wasn't in love with the idea anymore. I gave up my bird in the hand for the possibility of the two in the bush and found out that not only were they common sparrows but that I hate birds!
So. Lets see. I know that if I'm lucky enough to have an interview I will need to be very eloquent if I am to persuade them to employ me again but I want to try :)
xo
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